While on the surface many of us are able to mask the difficulties we are facing in life with smiles and laughter, the truth is many of us struggle with the challenges we face day in, day out. It may seem all “rosy” and “shinny” from the outside, but you don’t know what’s going on underneath that thick protective shell a lot of us put on – the facade.
Two famous analogies that best describes this paradoxical situation are the iceberg and duck analogies:
- The tip of the iceberg might be proportionally pretty and shinny, but underwater is a huge, dark and scary piece of ice.
- Ducks appears calm and serene on the surface when they swim across lakes, but reality is their legs underwater are paddling hard to move around.
I for sure am not spared from this hard reality as I deal with my own set of challenges involving various aspects of life. When I reflect back on my life journey thus far, this has been always been the case – there’s always something happening, one after another. If not at work, it will be something personal – and these days, at most times – it’s both.
I must admit among the constant challenge I face is dealing with my son’s autism. While he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, which will top the list at all times, his ever-changing condition is still hard and difficult to deal with, despite the continuous effort I put in to try and understand what’s going on his mind.
I won’t take away that the discovery process itself is beautiful on its own. But again, it doesn’t take away the fact that it’s hard – sometimes really hard.
There was a period (throughout 2018) he kept putting in items into his ears – had tissue paper, a ‘bling-bling’ sticker, a bead, a tiny ball of thread and even a small piece from an eraser, which I manage to suck out using a straw.
Total incidents: 7 – twice had to go to the hospital.
When that episode is over, came the time (very recently) when he didn’t want to sleep, staying up for 36 hours straight. All these moments have sets of tantrums that comes with it, which itself is a challenge on its own.
And on those days, I fall back to this particular verse in the Quran to remind and motivate myself that I can go through these challenging times:
Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned….
Al-Baqarah 2 : 286
But even then, we are all human after all. It’s only a matter of time before we fall into a vicious cycle where we wonder when it is all going to be over, especially on days where everything that could go wrong, goes wrong (usually the case for me).
I must admit, at this current moment when I try to put the pieces of my life together, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be truly happy. As of now, given the circumstances in certain parts of my life (not my son though), I know I won’t find the right answer.
But then, to keep me going and hopeful, I fallback to this beautiful verse in the Quran (my all time favorite, which I recite everyday during prayers):
So verily, with the hardship, there is relief.
Ash-Sharh 94 : 5
And Allah never breaks His promise.
So, how do we cope with the everyday pressures?
Firstly, the short term solution is to compartmentalize and break it down to small pieces.
From there, we celebrate the smallest , little achievements, no matter how tiny they are.
Longer term, while not easy, I personally try to take this 5 steps approach:
#1 Accept reality.
Call it for what it is – it is what it is. Don’t try to disguise it and pretend it is something else.
The sooner you can come to terms with the real situation, the sooner you can deal with it.
#2 Love yourself.
By design, I’m an ENFJ (if you want to know more, google up personality traits by Myers Briggs) and I happen to care for others more than myself.
But in order for you to deal with difficult times, you first need to be kind to yourself – acknowledge what is it that you are really looking for.
#3 Take action and persevere.
Next is basically to do something about it: decide, take action, deal with it – to your best ability. This is the easiest part to say (also the annoying one) than done.
To be honest, it’s unlikely that the action taken can entirely solve the ‘problem’ hence comes the second part – persevere through that action and hopefully in time, it will sort itself out.
#4 Pray and pray some more.
After putting in the efforts, all that’s left is to pray that everything will work out and when I say pray – pray a lot. Even the Prophets continuously pray, what more us the normal servants who are far from where the Prophets are.
Also remember that Allah will always answer our prayers but replies it in 3 ways, as He knows best:
- Yes: He immediately grants your prayer.
- Yes, but not now: He delays it for your own good.
- I have a better plan for you: Withholds from giving what you ask for, usually involves something bad for you but you just don’t see it (yet).
#5 Be hopeful and leave everything to Allah.
Last but not least, be hopeful that it will actually turn out ok. The concept of husnuzon – having good impressions: to the situation, to other people and most importantly to Allah.
You’ve tried your best, leave the rest of it to Allah, He will help you figure it out.
So – don’t give up and continue to search that happiness that you are longing for even if at the current moment, you have to put on that happy mask. Treat it as a process and hopefully that happy mask will eventually turn into a sincere happy smile.