It’s been a while.
Actually, it’s been too long.
Last I wrote was back in June.
I was contemplating on writing anything for the year end but then I thought to myself, I’m writing for myself anyway – not as if there are readers of my blog entries. It’s really just written thoughts that acts for various purposes – to capture a moment, jot random thoughts and sometimes as a reminder.
I have mixed feelings of what this year end entry is all about. Let’s just tag it as a reminder for now.
Truth be told, personally 2023 will always be remembered as a painful year – especially the second half of the year.
I had faced challenges and surprises before, but this time the combination of it all was beyond me – I could not have foreseen the degree of it. As a person who tries to anticipate future outcome possibilities and prepare few steps ahead (a habit developed after bringing up my special son Ruzain), I didn’t expect the chain of events that happened, and how it happened so fast.
It all happened while optically I was seen taking on a new expanded (and supposedly glamorous) role as Chief Distribution Officer (which is probably why all these came about and it’s a story on its own – for the record: no increments were involved), traveling the world like nobody’s business – Europe twice, first time in the US, my fav place Japan, beautiful island of Lombok and also places that I don’t look forward to going anymore: Singapore and Hong Kong. All these travels supplemented with local travels in between.
People would have thought I’m living the life of a jetsetter – in an odd way, it felt like it too. A lot of cash was burned for sure.
But while all of that was happening, it was at this point in my career, I experienced it all at once, one stacking on another, by people who I knew hated me but also, the part I got to me the most, by people closest to me and trusted most.
It was at that time, when it comes to relationships between humans, when I look upwards, sideways, downwards – I was alone. Literally alone.
Never I felt abandoned, like that before.
It was dark inside.
I was thrown a lot of hurtful words, accused of many things, pushed to the corner, disrespected, cursed, judged and punished, betrayed, sidelined, left out, both in private and publicly, all at one time, by so many parties. Never felt hated so much.
It was easier going through it many times before, but when it involved people who matters to you, it hurts so much and you start questioning yourself all around.
It made me feel that all the good I did before forgotten, or never really mattered. I was so dispensable that it felt as if I was worth nothing.
At least that was what I truly felt.
Others would tell me it just seems that way to you. I was told I’m a pro at making it seem like as if it was the end of the world, by someone close to me – that remark took me by surprise.
The point is, it felt that way for me – at least as a reaction to all that happened and how I was being treated. Those feelings were real, no matter what people say.
And it’s most difficult to put a brave face outside, while you’re feeling really dark inside. It’s exhausting.
I’ve realized a phrase that I’ve come to dislike “people always believe what they think,” – I’ve realized in a conversation to try and reason, when that comes up it just means closure to reasoning and discussion.
I’ve come to terms of losing few close relationships over the year – from my childhood days to my immediate life. I was still trying to tell myself along the way it might be well, but realized who I was kidding.
2023 was hurtful, it was left to heal, probably not fully, but definitely left scars – as a reminder that all of it happens, sometimes accidents, or intentional stabs, it will heal but with a scar reminding you that life will always be that way.
Ask for forgiveness, forgive and forget.
But I’m thankful, at rock bottom, made me realized that there was no where else to look at except upwards, to the One and only, to where I shed tears, confided and ask for strength. Alhamdulillah.
Hadapi dengan senyuman.
Be kind 2024. Insha Allah. To a new beginning, hoping literally a new one.
